Journal Sept 8 2020

Not sure how to start this one.

I'm getting more used to the idea of people watching, but I also don't want to write too much for the audience. So, whatever... Largely, I'm going to ignore the video audience except for the occasional meta comment that I'll type and then (probably) delete.

Also, I'm not going to be too concerned about making these have constant movement. Like, I just grabbed a quick drink. So, nothing happened on the screen for a minute. I didn't really realize until I did that that part of me wanted to make sure there wasn't a pause in the writing. But, so what. This is part of that spectrum where some of this is in more in service of the audience vs the stuff that's in service of me. (That's not the best way to put it, but it's not far off)

(Oh, so, this is a meta comment for the video viewers, but I'm going to leave it in because it feels right to do it this time and because sometimes it will and sometimes it won't and sorry that there's all this type of structural meta talk right now, but it's early in the process so I'm figuring that stuff out and jesus that was a ramble sentence. Anyway, if you want to play along at home, I've got "212" by Azealia Banks and Lazy Jay looping on repeat in the headphones)

I did the morning ritual this morning. It worked great. Got me in here writing with as few steps as possible. It also felt like I was gliding on rails where I didn't have to think about stuff. I'd never realized that I would think a little in the morning about what I was going to do when I got to the computer. Now, there's no question. I sit down. I setup. I write.

I'd kinda did some writing in the past at the start of the day, but it wasn't a ritual. I didn't make it the first thing I did. Also, I didn't have the steps listed out that included setting up so the only window I can see is the writing window.

For those playing along at home, you're only seeing part of the screen. The rest of the screen is covered with a blank window so there's nothing but the same gray background across the entire monitor. There was a big "distraction free" phase a while ago when it seemed like that was all anyone talked about. I don't hear about it as much any more, but that's what the goal is.

For those reading and not watching the video, just imagine a screen where there's one window in the middle with a white text on a gray background and another blank window behind it with the same gray background that covers the rest of the monitor.

(Music update: Just changed up the music to The Spirits Within by Nickodemus. On loop, of course.)

Okay, too much meta stuff here. That's okay. This is getting started and this is me getting some of that out of the way and clearing the pipes a little and figuring out how this stuff is going to go.

That's been the big theme for me over the past several days. I've been a fan of the idea of evolving art for a long time but haven't had occasion to practice it. I mean, I guess I did some with my code, but I don't code that much these days. And, I wasn't writing and I wasn't shooting. So, there just wasn't much movement. Or, better said, there wasn't much practice going into it.

Now, there is. I'm writing again and I'm doing these new things with my writing. The videoing is obviously new, but the writing itself is too. My brain is different now. Writing has a different... feel to it. But, feel isn't the right word. Or, not the full word. Flow is in there too. Like there's an internal part and an external part.

Maybe it's like wind. You can feel the wind, but it's also its own thing. Both the feeling and the wind itself have changed for me... Except, that's not a great analogy. Nothing external has changed. Just my brain. Hmmmm. I'm not sure about that one. I'll have to work on it. But, this piece has been going for a while so I'm going to bounce from that right now.

Okay... starting to wrap up.

I actually went back and did some lite edits on this one. I hadn't done that on the prior two, but I like it. Biggest thing is it'll make the piece less tedious to read when I post it. And, thinking through this, there are two distinct things I'm making here... Well, three now that I think of it:

1. The live performance (as soon as I start that) 2. The video of the writing 3. The piece posted on my blog

When I was first thinking of these, I thought it was just going to be a quick writing and I'd basically just go from top to bottom like when I do my journals privately. But, that's not good art. Or, it's not the best art it can be. While I don't edit my private journals this pieces aren't just for me, they're for me and the audience.

So, I need to put the editing effort into them. I won't do too much. It won't be like when I write a piece about a topic... except, sometimes it will be... I guess here's the thing. I don't want to make statements about the rules of this. I barely want to make guidelines.

I have the mechanics in place for the morning ritual to get started. So, each morning, I'll get started and we'll just see where it goes. -- hr

P.S. I'm nervous that these aren't good enough. An even bigger fear is what if this one isn't good and it's the first someone sees and they judge me for that and the never look again so they keep that judgment in their head... And, yeah. I'm realizing as I'm writing this, that I'm more freaked out that fear than I realized. And that that's the root of the fear. Fear of judgment.

Sure, I've heard about the fear of judgment before, but it just clicked in a new way.

But, I've got a secret weapon. Something I heard a long time ago. It takes some practice (and failure) to develop, but it's amazing. You ready? Here it is:

The physical feeling of nervousness and excitement in our bodies are the same. We can't control the physical feeling, but we can control our thoughts about it. So, when you have the physical feeling of nervousness, start saying to yourself, "I'm not nervous, I'm excited."

Don't expect this to work like an instant miracle. It takes a little time, but soon when you have the feeling, you'll associate it with excitement first. That doesn't make it easy to make something to put out into the world, but it makes it easier.

The other thing I keep in mind is that no one can please everybody. No matter what you do, there's always going to be some asshole out there who doesn't like and tries to make you feel bad about your work. I've heard lots of folks say to just ignore them, but I don't know how the hell you do that. It just sucks, hurts, and is demoralizing.

But, I've got something to help with that too. When I'm first working on a thing, I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it because it doesn't exist yet and I want it to. Or, maybe, it wants to. Sometimes it's like these things have a life of their own.

And, my theory of the world is that with billions and billions of people out there, there's at least one that's into whatever you're doing. So, I'm going to keep at it. Mainly for me, but it's nice to know they're out there.