Journal Sept 10 2020

Welcome to the first journal entry that's live streamed.

No talking in this one, just writing.

When this is done, I'm going to make a YouTube video of it where I speed up the video. And, I want to have the sound of the keyboard clicking it. So, I don't want talking because it would sound like a chimp munk.

Anyway, this will be interesting. At least, it'll be interesting for me.

The question is if there's a different feel to this knowing that folks are watching live. Or, that there's a potential live audience out there. Right now, there's no one watching and I'm guessing most of the time there won't be but that doesn't matter. In my head, there are folks out there watching. Like, I'm exposed when doing this.

Oh yeah, something I just realized is there's a clock in the corner so folks will be able to see in the YouTube VOD when I did it. Though, I guess that's not a big deal since I'm posting on twitter when I'm going live.

The reason that just poppsed into my head is most folks start work at nine in my gig. I used to, but now I write first thing. And, right now I'm getting up at nine.

(This is so weird because I'm writing to explain to the audience right now, but it's not that different from what I'd do in the journal, at least I don't think. But, whatever, this is the thing that it is. I'm not worried about it. Though, I was thinking originally that it might taint the journal entry, but now, in my head, it's just it's own thing. And, the reason it is is because that's what I'm telling myself. Another exaple of the power of internal language.)

Anyway, not sure what to talk about at the moment. Things are largely the same these days. Meaning, they are largely the same from day to day. We've been in the quarantine since the end of march or early april. Readers following along on the stream will wonder why I'm talking about that since it's obvious. Readers of the journal will know that it's because I haven't written in the journal since all this stuff started.

And, that's part of effort there. To get back to writing. I lost it there for a little while. Writing that is. It just kinda floated away. And, I didn't care that it had. It's only come back recently. It was around August 18th. That's when I started writing a piece about The Clickly Sounds which is the firs pice I'd written in months.

That was when words really came back to me. And the... drive? to write. That's not exactly the right word, but it's close. I like the idea better that it's the first time the spirit moved me in months. And, like the spirit had left me for those months. Though, that's not right either. It's more like something broke. Or, something was missing.

I spent months talking with my therapist Maureen about that. Trying to find the language to describe. I couldn't find that language talking, but I finally found it writing. Here's a clip from the post

Words were gone from my head. Reaching for them was like reaching for something in the dark and missing. I could feel the space, but nothing was there.

That's as close as I think it's possible to get to the description (and, it's pretty close). There's just no other experience that I've had that comes close to the feeling. The analogy that keeps coming back to me is how it's impossible to describe an acid trip to someone who's never done acid. There's just no common experience. But, with acid, there's enough commonality with the rest of life that you can touch on connections. It's possible to put into word something that someone else who's done acid will understand. Like you can describe it.

It wasn't the same with the loss of words. If I was talking with someone else, we could recognize the feeling in each other, but about the only way we could communicate it is "that feeling..." Well, I guess you could say that feeling of reaching for something in the dark and missing. Sooooo, yeah, kinda nevermind with the last paragraph. I guess it is like acid where if there's the shard experience you can discuss by describing the analogy instead of the thing itself (which doesn't have labels).

Okay, ten minutes left before I have to be on a conference call.

Not sure if I have much left right now... Other than I half just made a gesture for the camera. And, just did it again. I haven' really been aware of the camera during this, but I just became aware of it and so I'm behaving more like people are watching. That's really funny and interesting. I mean, it makes total sense, it just hadn't occurred to me.

I don't know if I can run the OBS streaming software in a way where I can see the screen of the mac without seeing the view of myself. I look into that. Even if I can't, I can just cover that portion of the screen with another window... Yeah, I'm going to do that... And, done... that's better.

I see no benefit in seeing myself. It's just a distraction. And, I don't see myself when I'm writing and not streaming. I'll still know the camera is on in the back of my head and it'll come into the front of my head from time to time, but there won't be the motion to make the happen more often.

The biggest trick is I just need to remember not to pick my nose.

Anyway, gotta run to this conference call. So, y'all take it easy and be kind to each other.

Cheers,

-a